I like your opening and I'm glad that you didn't start your story with a reporter VO. Good job!
As for your points, I'm a little confused here. You have a version 2 of your script but don't include the 5 points so I'm assuming that they are the same from version 1 of your script. However they don't match what you have in your script. Point 2 is about how they offer many opportunities for the public to learn about the aina. However in your script it talks about how Waipa differs from other organizations. The rest of your points are weak in that you don't have good sound bites to support what you are trying to say. Point 1 is good and that whole green section is good. But after that needs work. If the Waipa Foundation's mission is to use the land as a living learning center, how do they do that? Yes, they support festivals but exactly how do those festivals use the land to teach others? I think you're missing the whole point about the foundation. What exists on the land from the top of Mamalahoa all the way down to the kai? Taro patches? Fish pond? What is on the land to help teach others and what exactly do they teach? Your point #1 doesn't say what they teach. Then WHY do they feel they need to teach others? What's the problem? What was the problem they saw back in the 80's that got them to create the foundation to begin with? Did they see the old ways getting lost? Why is having a foundation like this important? You have a short sound bite about how the foundation supports sustainability but you don't explain how. Finally, who do they teach? Our keiki? Tourists? Why? You need to go back to your 5 points and revise them and then find better sound bites to support each point. But I think it all revolves around the land. She said it herself in your beginning but you failed to develop that point. The land is super important to your story. Now go and find out why. 1.5 points = D
Hi my name Kate and this is my first year in the CKTV media productions class!